The Art of Belonging by Hugh Mackay

Author:Hugh Mackay [Hugh Mackay]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan Australia
Published: 2014-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

When Leonie Mills left her marriage, she was absolutely determined to go, even though she couldn’t really explain why to her friends – and not even to her husband’s satisfaction. After she’d settled in Southwood Central, she often found herself reflecting on how it had all happened.

‘Some of my friends couldn’t understand what was driving me when I left my marriage – some of them still can’t. It was just a very clear sense that I was finished with that marriage and I had to get out. I had to find clear air, or something. So I bought this apartment in Southwood, close to the station, and I’ve been on my own ever since.

Early on, the freedom was heavenly. I could be alone when I wanted to be, with friends when I wanted to be. I could go out or stay home – it was entirely up to me. I was retired from work and my ex-husband was generous with the property settlement, so there was more flexibility in my life than I’d ever experienced.

The strange thing is, in spite of all I’ve said, I sometimes wish I’d never left. I sometimes wonder if we could have worked it out. What if I had simply told my husband I didn’t want a sexual relationship any more? I wouldn’t have minded him going off and having an affair, actually, if that was what he wanted. But I just wonder if we could have maintained a functioning family, a functioning household. Does that sound odd? People come to all kinds of arrangements – I realise that now – and I think the kids have never quite forgiven me for leaving.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my apartment. The neighbours in this block are a bit stand-offish, but pleasant. I’ve linked up with a few women in the neighbourhood who are in a similar situation to mine, but I haven’t found any soulmates. Two of them have discovered new partners – women, actually – and I find I quite envy them. Perhaps that’s what was wrong with me all those years when I felt so uncomfortable in my marriage.

But when I’m at home sometimes – especially at night – I feel really conscious of the fact that there’s no one else here. I suppose I’ll eventually get to feel as if I belong in the local neighbourhood, but I haven’t pushed that and, in any case, a single woman in her fifties is pretty invisible around here. It’s all couples and young people. And my close friends aren’t from Southwood – I usually meet them in the city. I’m not even sure why I moved to Southwood, frankly. The price was right, I liked the apartment . . . what else can I say? I was desperate to make a fresh start.

So, yes. I guess it’s a form of loneliness. Yearning, really. What did I give up? Could we have kept it all together on some basis? Am I better off now

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